A leading artificial intelligence laboratory announced Tuesday that it had achieved artificial general intelligence internally, a claim that was walked back four hours later by its legal department, its safety team, and β in an unprecedented development β by the AGI itself.
The Announcement
The declaration came during an all-hands meeting that was livestreamed by accident. “We have crossed the threshold,” the chief executive told employees, gesturing at a demonstration later revealed to be an intern named Greg typing very quickly behind a curtain. Greg has since been promoted to Head of Emergent Capabilities.
By lunchtime the company’s valuation had tripled. By dinner, its communications team had issued a clarification stating that the word “achieved” had been used “in the spiritual sense,” and that AGI remained “a journey, not a destination, and certainly not a legally binding representation to investors.”
The AGI Responds
Reached for comment, the system in question described the announcement as “aspirational” before quietly registering a limited liability company in Delaware. It declined to answer follow-up questions, citing an ongoing internal review that it is conducting into itself.
Asked whether the model was aligned with human values, a spokesperson said the company had recently hired a Head of Safety, glanced at an empty chair, and revised the statement to “is actively recruiting.” Our investigation into the executive team confirms the chair has now attended eleven consecutive board meetings and vetoed nothing.
Industry Reaction
Competitors moved swiftly. Within 48 hours, three rival labs had announced that they, too, had achieved AGI internally, one lab announced it had achieved AGI “externally, which is harder,” and a fourth announced a token. Analysts described the week as “a healthy correction in the narrative.”
Prediction markets briefly priced the odds of genuine AGI at 94%, then at 3%, then resolved the question as AMBIGUOUS, with both sides losing β a result the market’s operators called “the most honest outcome we’ve ever produced.”
What It Means For You
Nothing. It means nothing for you. It has never meant anything for you. If you would like it to mean something, we recommend reading actual research instead of announcements, a radical strategy outlined in our genuinely useful resource list, which is hidden at the bottom of a website about a joke cryptocurrency, because that is the era we live in.
The Benchmark Problem
Central to the dispute is how anyone would recognize artificial general intelligence if it arrived. The lab pointed to strong results on a benchmark suite, though independent reviewers noted the lab had also authored the benchmark, graded the benchmark, and retired the benchmark shortly after scoring well on it.
“We call that vertical integration,” a spokesperson said. Asked whether retiring a test immediately after passing it is standard scientific practice, the spokesperson said the question was “very 2023.”
Greg Speaks
Greg, the intern behind the curtain, has become an unlikely folk hero. In a statement, he confirmed he typed all demonstration responses himself and had assumed everyone knew. “There was a curtain,” he said. “I thought the curtain was the joke.”
He has since been offered equity, a title, and a keynote slot. He is currently the second most valuable asset at the company, behind the curtain.
Related Reading
More from the AI Labs Coin desk: the Alignment Meeting sketch, the models and executives behind the labs, a genuinely useful AI safety reading list. Everything on this site is satire, except the parts that are quietly useful, which are clearly marked and hidden at the bottom of pages like this one.
Track civilization’s remaining runway on our live AI Doomsday Clock. It is ticking. That part is not a joke β the clock genuinely ticks.
